Being hospitalized is usually a demoralizing experience. Something has gone wrong, terrible enough for you to be considered a danger to yourself and/or others. Often, as a patient, you may not be aware upon admittance that there is anything wrong with you. You may feel bewildered, angry, and insecure.
Being hospitalized means giving up all control over your life. It requires an inordinate and sometimes impossible patience with the slow wheels of the staff and doctors. It may mean interminable boredom. In short, you may feel crushed and overwhelmed. Often, doctors talk to the family or friends about your behavior and conditions, leaving you in the dark. Often, it means being locked up. How can this not damage the self-esteem, damage the ego?
It is important to remember that in all but totally debilitating circumstances, it is temporary. One day, depending on how well you can cope and adjust to your environment, you will see the trees again, breath fresh air. One day, you will be free again.
Involuntary commitment is terminated after a commitment hearing before a judge. Sometimes you will have a lawyer. Sometimes you will not. It may take a week or more for a hearing to take place and you may not be informed about when it will take place or what will happen. It is all part of learning to cope with a total loss of control for a time. If hospitalization is voluntary, it may be determined that your status needs to be changed to involuntary. If not, the duration of your stay will be determined by both you and your doctor. Either way, the conditions are difficult at best. At worst, they are almost intolerable.
What is left when you are finally released back into the real world is a damaged ego and insecurity. But, it is possible to recover with time. How much time it takes depends on what you do with your hospitalization and the crucial time thereafter.
Usually, after you are transferred from the closed ward where there is more severe restriction, you will enjoy a little bit of freedom in the "open" ward. There may be groups where you can learn or remember coping skills. You may or may not see your psychiatrist regularly. During one of my hospitalizations, I saw my psychiatrist once only to have him tell me he didn't know what to do with me. During my last hospitalization, I saw my psychiatrist every day. There are no therapists available to help process your experience. They leave that to be accomplished after your release. Your medication will begin or be adjusted.
The groups may be your salvation. There is usually some form of recreational therapy. The hobbies you may find interesting and enjoyable can be continued after your release. Having a hobby or other enjoyable past time helps create a more meaningful life. You may also learn how to use music as therapy, set goals, learn a modified form of exercise or yoga. In one hospital, I was exposed to creative visualization. You may attend lectures or groups. You may be able to watch movies or some kind of television. Further, the privilege of walking in the fresh air can be earned. This was the most important thing for me of all.
Also key is learning to set goals or setting them for yourself if no goal setting therapy occurs in the hospital where you stay. The programs vary widely from hospital to hospital. It has been my own experience that no two are alike and by the time you learn all the rules, it is time to be released.
What happens in the hospital, to a large extent, is up to you. Regaining your self esteem is up to you and to some degree your therapist. It is important to seek therapy as soon as possible after your release. Processing what has happened will take time and help. You may have to answer questions about your condition before and currently again and again. You may be asked questions during your hospital stay that seem absolutely ridiculous. However, like everything else during your hospitalization, it must be endured. Often, the hospital staff seems less well adjusted than I am. Other patients are hard to cope with.
In most hospitals, you will be placed among people who are seriously, even hopelessly ill. Interacting with them may also require patience. But, after your release you will be a more understanding patient person than you were before. You may have new skills or have learned new ones. Keep a journal, if possible, while in the hospital. It can be a place to reflect or vent not available to you otherwise. I wrote a lot of depressing poetry while in was in there. It helped to get my feelings on paper, helped me to express my feelings to an extent I had no opportunity for otherwise.
Remember it's not your fault you were hospitalized. Don't feel obligated to answer prying questions of people who may mean well, but do not respect your privacy. Privacy is one thing you are guaranteed during your hospital stay. No one can talk to you, you don't want to talk to you. No one will be informed you are there unless you grant them permission to know or contact them yourself. Guard that privacy jealously. There is no reason to announce widely that you have an illness at all, let alone that you were hospitalized.
And most of all, allow yourself time to heal and exercise that hard learned patience with yourself. Take walks. Talk to the people you trust the most. Get out of the house as often as you feel comfortable with. Pursue the hobbies that interested you most in the hospital. Pick up new ones. Keep on writing in a journal and follow your medication regimen religiously.
I saw my psychiatrist more frequently than usual after I was released. I saw my therapist more often as well. I discontinued the pace that got me hospitalized in the first place and followed the after care program I had designed myself.
Do not keep in touch with the people you met in the hospital. It doesn't help to be supportive as you may have been in the hospital to others. You probably do not have any more energy than you need for yourself for awhile.
It is not necessary to be totally insecure with yourself after you are released. Trust yourself and those who truly care about you to do the best possible things for your welfare. Give yourself positive reinforcement for every step of progress you achieve and put it behind you as soon as possible. It can take as little as a few days to become a better self than you were before you went in. It may take longer. It takes what it takes and you must give yourself permission to let it. In all, you can turn your hospitalization into a positive experience - a time you spent learning or being reminded what you have to do to take care of yourself.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The Dangers Of The Internet For Those With Bipolar Disorder
I was recently admitted to the hospital in a delusional upset state. Later, after talking with my family about my recent behavior, it was determined I was suffering from Internet addition.
Anyone who uses the Internet excessively runs risks. I know of people who have lost their jobs, apartments, and vehicles because they did not show up for work. They were gaming, blogging, or shopping on the Internet. This problem is even worse for people with bipolar disorder because the blinking, flashing light from the computer causes hyper alertness. The mind is stimulated into overactive and sleeplessness that can trigger a psychotic episode.
I was elated that I had found something to do that resembled working. In my life before retirement I had always been driven to work whether as a mother of five children; a student working two part time jobs; a teacher; or what ever else I did. It is a product of the way I was raised (with a strong work ethic) and can be part and parcel of being bipolar.
During this period that only lasted about two months, I was working from the time I got up around four o'clock in the morning until two o'clock in the morning. I only grabbed about two hours sleep at night and a little in the afternoon. My eyes were glued to the flashing blinking lights and the moving cursor all day and night. Even in the workforce this has become a serious problem for the general public.
Sleep deprivation can cause many things including hallucinations and psychosis. It is necessary to get eight hours sleep at night. Afternoon naps don't count. Bedtime and rising should be at the same time every night. Regular schedules are important. People who believe they have trained themselves to need only four or five hours of sleep a night are fooling themselves. Sleep is restorative for both the mind and body.
I didn't notice how delusional I was. I was writing and doing things that were very out of character. Fortunately for me, my family is very connected and we stay in contact on a day to day basis. They were able to intervene before the problem got even worse and recovery time lengthened.
The best thing that happened to me while in the hospital was that I received an explanation for what happened to me. It wasn't just stress as had always been the case before. It was simple and clear what had to be done to prevent further similar episodes.
I have not had to give up my "work" completely. As you may notice, I am still doing research and writing. The only difference is I am doing it at the library instead of at home. I is as close to a job as I can get and work is very important to me. The fact that I couldn't work was a source of depression for years after I became disabled. A real job is impossible. I can't work every day, trying to only makes me nuts. I can't be sure of what time of day I will be able to work. It can be difficult for me to make it to my therapy and doctor appointments. Somehow I do, but it isn't always easy. All of these things make me unemployable.
So, the Internet seemed to be the best thing that had happened to me in years. Writing again made me feel as though I was accomplishing something worthwhile and satisfying. I didn't feel at all disabled for awhile. I felt productive.
There have been adjustments made in my life since my hospitalization. I put my computer in storage for a year and I have added a variety of worthwhile, relaxing activities in my life. I am more social (I'm naturally something of a hermit). I don't turn down many invitations to do something with other people anymore. All in all, the results have been very positive.
I am a bit surprised to be writing something cautionary about something so wonderful. But, as we all know, anything carried to an extreme is insanity.
Anyone who uses the Internet excessively runs risks. I know of people who have lost their jobs, apartments, and vehicles because they did not show up for work. They were gaming, blogging, or shopping on the Internet. This problem is even worse for people with bipolar disorder because the blinking, flashing light from the computer causes hyper alertness. The mind is stimulated into overactive and sleeplessness that can trigger a psychotic episode.
I was elated that I had found something to do that resembled working. In my life before retirement I had always been driven to work whether as a mother of five children; a student working two part time jobs; a teacher; or what ever else I did. It is a product of the way I was raised (with a strong work ethic) and can be part and parcel of being bipolar.
During this period that only lasted about two months, I was working from the time I got up around four o'clock in the morning until two o'clock in the morning. I only grabbed about two hours sleep at night and a little in the afternoon. My eyes were glued to the flashing blinking lights and the moving cursor all day and night. Even in the workforce this has become a serious problem for the general public.
Sleep deprivation can cause many things including hallucinations and psychosis. It is necessary to get eight hours sleep at night. Afternoon naps don't count. Bedtime and rising should be at the same time every night. Regular schedules are important. People who believe they have trained themselves to need only four or five hours of sleep a night are fooling themselves. Sleep is restorative for both the mind and body.
I didn't notice how delusional I was. I was writing and doing things that were very out of character. Fortunately for me, my family is very connected and we stay in contact on a day to day basis. They were able to intervene before the problem got even worse and recovery time lengthened.
The best thing that happened to me while in the hospital was that I received an explanation for what happened to me. It wasn't just stress as had always been the case before. It was simple and clear what had to be done to prevent further similar episodes.
I have not had to give up my "work" completely. As you may notice, I am still doing research and writing. The only difference is I am doing it at the library instead of at home. I is as close to a job as I can get and work is very important to me. The fact that I couldn't work was a source of depression for years after I became disabled. A real job is impossible. I can't work every day, trying to only makes me nuts. I can't be sure of what time of day I will be able to work. It can be difficult for me to make it to my therapy and doctor appointments. Somehow I do, but it isn't always easy. All of these things make me unemployable.
So, the Internet seemed to be the best thing that had happened to me in years. Writing again made me feel as though I was accomplishing something worthwhile and satisfying. I didn't feel at all disabled for awhile. I felt productive.
There have been adjustments made in my life since my hospitalization. I put my computer in storage for a year and I have added a variety of worthwhile, relaxing activities in my life. I am more social (I'm naturally something of a hermit). I don't turn down many invitations to do something with other people anymore. All in all, the results have been very positive.
I am a bit surprised to be writing something cautionary about something so wonderful. But, as we all know, anything carried to an extreme is insanity.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
When You or a Loved One is Hospitalized Due to Mental Illness
The hospitalization for mental illness is a very traumatic event in the life of both the patient and those who love and care for them. Often, the patient is admitted involuntarily adding to the stress. Few things are worse than being forced into a stressful situation. And hospitalization is all about stress.
Family members often recognize the symptoms of psychosis or suicidal potential in the patient when the patient is unaware of their psychotic behavior. At that time, they must step in to act in the patients behalf when they cannot help themselves. Often admittance to the hospital is involuntary - stressful in and of itself. Exacerbating the problem is the fact that while family members are consulted and apprised of the decisions and evaluation of the patient, the patients themselves are excluded from the dialogue. Feelings of helplessness and betrayal ensue. This can create problems in relationship and trust between the family and the patient.
Further, it makes it difficult for the patient to trust the doctor or staff who are supposed to help. In addition, each hospital is different. Even though a patient may have been admitted previously, each new hospital is uncharted territory. Not all hospitals provide a truly healing environment.
The stress of the admitting process and the fear of the unknown can exacerbate the already stressed and irrational patient. I know in my recent hospital experience, I was in worse shape when I was finally admitted than I had been when I entered the hospital. My experience was shared and validated by most of the other patients I came in contact with.
All this makes it difficult to form a trust relationship between the psychiatrist and the patient. A process that usually takes months to establish on an out-patient basis must be formed within a day or two. To effect that the patient must make an enormous leap of faith knowing their trust may be violated by a doctor who can be insensitive to the fragility of the patient.
Newly admitted patients are often belligerent and/or hostile. No one likes being forced into something against their will. The powerlessness is overwhelming. Caretakers who are only there to help can be frustrated by the patent's seeming lack of cooperation. Tightly controlled procedures pending evaluation can make the already helpless feeling patient even more hostile and fearful than they already are. The potential for permanent harm is tremendous.
I know in my case, hospitalization triggers my post traumatic stress. I am plagued by nightmares of psychosis and "imprisonment" for years after a hospitalization. In fact, due to the frequency of my hospital stays I have never fully recovered from any of them. Now my nightmares occur every night and are more intense than they were previously. It will take serious therapy for me to get some relief from them.
There are questions every family should ask of the psychiatric staff before and during a hospital stay. (see above link) Ignorance is not bliss and information can ease the stress for both the family members and the patient. Both my family and I were greatly relieved by the knowledgeable and open psychiatrist assigned to me. I consider myself to be very lucky. This good fortune has not always been the case. In the past, I have experienced a doctor who was openly hostile toward me. There were no meetings, no sessions with him. I never knew what to expect or what was going to happen to me next. It took me years to recover from that experience.
Caretakers need to be informed about what to ask about and how to act as advocates for the people they love.
Family members often recognize the symptoms of psychosis or suicidal potential in the patient when the patient is unaware of their psychotic behavior. At that time, they must step in to act in the patients behalf when they cannot help themselves. Often admittance to the hospital is involuntary - stressful in and of itself. Exacerbating the problem is the fact that while family members are consulted and apprised of the decisions and evaluation of the patient, the patients themselves are excluded from the dialogue. Feelings of helplessness and betrayal ensue. This can create problems in relationship and trust between the family and the patient.
Further, it makes it difficult for the patient to trust the doctor or staff who are supposed to help. In addition, each hospital is different. Even though a patient may have been admitted previously, each new hospital is uncharted territory. Not all hospitals provide a truly healing environment.
The stress of the admitting process and the fear of the unknown can exacerbate the already stressed and irrational patient. I know in my recent hospital experience, I was in worse shape when I was finally admitted than I had been when I entered the hospital. My experience was shared and validated by most of the other patients I came in contact with.
All this makes it difficult to form a trust relationship between the psychiatrist and the patient. A process that usually takes months to establish on an out-patient basis must be formed within a day or two. To effect that the patient must make an enormous leap of faith knowing their trust may be violated by a doctor who can be insensitive to the fragility of the patient.
Newly admitted patients are often belligerent and/or hostile. No one likes being forced into something against their will. The powerlessness is overwhelming. Caretakers who are only there to help can be frustrated by the patent's seeming lack of cooperation. Tightly controlled procedures pending evaluation can make the already helpless feeling patient even more hostile and fearful than they already are. The potential for permanent harm is tremendous.
I know in my case, hospitalization triggers my post traumatic stress. I am plagued by nightmares of psychosis and "imprisonment" for years after a hospitalization. In fact, due to the frequency of my hospital stays I have never fully recovered from any of them. Now my nightmares occur every night and are more intense than they were previously. It will take serious therapy for me to get some relief from them.
There are questions every family should ask of the psychiatric staff before and during a hospital stay. (see above link) Ignorance is not bliss and information can ease the stress for both the family members and the patient. Both my family and I were greatly relieved by the knowledgeable and open psychiatrist assigned to me. I consider myself to be very lucky. This good fortune has not always been the case. In the past, I have experienced a doctor who was openly hostile toward me. There were no meetings, no sessions with him. I never knew what to expect or what was going to happen to me next. It took me years to recover from that experience.
Caretakers need to be informed about what to ask about and how to act as advocates for the people they love.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Never Let Yourself Run Out: Medication and mental illness
I take Lamechtal. It is a very powerful drig. Taking it without a doctors guidance it can cause rashes even peeling of the skin similar to severe burns. Today I ran out of medication because I lost my prescription. Luckily I was able to get hold of my doctor. She saw me immediately and provided me with a new prescription that will be good until August.
I knew if I ran out, there would be severe side effects. Running out of any of your medication is very detrimental to your mental health. Keep all your appointments regularly. If you miss one, your doctor may be able to make time in their busy schedule to see you.
As with any medication, whether it be for high blood pressure or any other illness, take only as directed. Don't take anybody else's medication for any other reason. I once ended up in intensive care on life support because I took my son's anti-depressant. I thought it would help me sleep.
The doctors weren't sure if I'd make it through the night. But, I woke up the next morning able to move to a new city, to further my education. I should have taken more time to recover, but I didn't think I had the time. That was my mistake. However, with treatment and hospitalization I did recover.
Friends may be willing to give you medications such as tranquilizers to help you get over difficult times of nervousness or anxiety. Don't take those either. I recovered from my own frequent anxiety attacks through therapy.
See your therapist for help on dealing with anxiety. Sometimes you may need medication to help with that (I took Clonopin for awhile), but therapy has a better chance of helping you deal with it long term.
If you are subject to panic attacks, try to do the things that panic you a little bit at a time. Panic can be paralyzing, making it difficult to drive in traffic or be in large crowed of people. Even this can be dealt with through therapy.
At one time, I was nervous about even going to the symphony. However, I went anyway. With the support of freinds, I able to sit through the whole perfromance. I did, however, give myself permission to leave if I really needed to. I didn't have to and enjoyed the performance thoroughly.
I knew if I ran out, there would be severe side effects. Running out of any of your medication is very detrimental to your mental health. Keep all your appointments regularly. If you miss one, your doctor may be able to make time in their busy schedule to see you.
As with any medication, whether it be for high blood pressure or any other illness, take only as directed. Don't take anybody else's medication for any other reason. I once ended up in intensive care on life support because I took my son's anti-depressant. I thought it would help me sleep.
The doctors weren't sure if I'd make it through the night. But, I woke up the next morning able to move to a new city, to further my education. I should have taken more time to recover, but I didn't think I had the time. That was my mistake. However, with treatment and hospitalization I did recover.
Friends may be willing to give you medications such as tranquilizers to help you get over difficult times of nervousness or anxiety. Don't take those either. I recovered from my own frequent anxiety attacks through therapy.
See your therapist for help on dealing with anxiety. Sometimes you may need medication to help with that (I took Clonopin for awhile), but therapy has a better chance of helping you deal with it long term.
If you are subject to panic attacks, try to do the things that panic you a little bit at a time. Panic can be paralyzing, making it difficult to drive in traffic or be in large crowed of people. Even this can be dealt with through therapy.
At one time, I was nervous about even going to the symphony. However, I went anyway. With the support of freinds, I able to sit through the whole perfromance. I did, however, give myself permission to leave if I really needed to. I didn't have to and enjoyed the performance thoroughly.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Working Low Paying Jobs to Avoid Disability: The value of work
Because of the problems associated with having bi-polar disorder, it may not be possible to take a job at the skill level you would be capable of were you not ill. Working at all, at whatever you can do is better than going on disability.
Without work, people lose their sense of purpose. Work gives you a reason to get up in the morning and a feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day. I would work at anything if it were possible. But, I can't guarantee I'll be able to show up for anything so simple as being a dog walker. It's not reasonable to expect special consideration from your employer just because you are ill. If you truly can't do anything, you will be forced into accepting disability payments and living within the financial constraints of what is often little more than half poverty level.
It is easy if you are not working to fall into bad habits. People end up watching television all day long, or sleeping through the day. These things are very bad for you and your self esteem. I am fortunate (as I have always been) to have my writing to give me something to do. It is not the kind of work that would translate into the outside world, but it is rewarding for me.
Because you may be capable for far more than the skills required for a minimum wage job, you may find mindless work and repetition difficult to handle. But, mindless work allows time for thinking. Stimulate your intellect with what you do at home when your day is done. Even in school, I often had to do outside reading to avoid becoming bored. Do what ever you have to do to make your life rich and full no matter your circumstances.
Without work, people lose their sense of purpose. Work gives you a reason to get up in the morning and a feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day. I would work at anything if it were possible. But, I can't guarantee I'll be able to show up for anything so simple as being a dog walker. It's not reasonable to expect special consideration from your employer just because you are ill. If you truly can't do anything, you will be forced into accepting disability payments and living within the financial constraints of what is often little more than half poverty level.
It is easy if you are not working to fall into bad habits. People end up watching television all day long, or sleeping through the day. These things are very bad for you and your self esteem. I am fortunate (as I have always been) to have my writing to give me something to do. It is not the kind of work that would translate into the outside world, but it is rewarding for me.
Because you may be capable for far more than the skills required for a minimum wage job, you may find mindless work and repetition difficult to handle. But, mindless work allows time for thinking. Stimulate your intellect with what you do at home when your day is done. Even in school, I often had to do outside reading to avoid becoming bored. Do what ever you have to do to make your life rich and full no matter your circumstances.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
A Personal Note From Smffy to You
I just wanted to thank you for taking the to read this. I do enjoy knowing someone thought it was worthwhile. Thank you for your comments and emails as well. It's come to the point where I feel responsible to you.
As always I wish you the best in what you're doing. Most of all I want you to know you're never alone in this.
Love
Smffy
As always I wish you the best in what you're doing. Most of all I want you to know you're never alone in this.
Love
Smffy
Fear of the Mentally Ill: What the media has done to us
The most the general public knows about mental illness (unless their own personal lives have been touched by it) is what they hear on the news and read in the newspapers. I have often wondered why the media doesn't say "A sane man did this," when a man shoots his wife carrying his unborn baby.
But, it is reported on the local news when a mentally ill person has a run on with police on the public transportation system. What kind of news story is that? All these misperceptions only further stigmatize us. It is well known we are more likely to be the victims of violence, not the perpetrators.
I hope they never make me disclose on my driver's licence what I have to have a medical release for. The way things are with profiling and prejudice, I only realize more and more each day how much farther we have to go.
But, it is reported on the local news when a mentally ill person has a run on with police on the public transportation system. What kind of news story is that? All these misperceptions only further stigmatize us. It is well known we are more likely to be the victims of violence, not the perpetrators.
I hope they never make me disclose on my driver's licence what I have to have a medical release for. The way things are with profiling and prejudice, I only realize more and more each day how much farther we have to go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
