Sister, sister: Family support and mental illness

Family support and understanding are crucial to recovery and/or coping with mental illness. Just like cancer, or any other serious medical condition, there are symptoms, sometimes actual physical limitations that must be dealt with.

Today I had to cancel my trip to the grocery store with my sister. She takes me there once a month to do my shopping. This saves me the time and physical effort of pushing my little cart many times up the hill to get my groceries. I often do that a few times, to buy fresh items such as milk, bread and produce, but the bulk of my shopping is done once a month.

I really can't go anywhere today. I just don't have the energy to get dressed or the strength to walk through the store. There is a prescription I need at the pharmacy, and without me asking my sister offered to go get it for me. I was grateful. Asking for help is hard to do. I don't want to be a burden.

Having a large support network helps spread my need for support around to many people so it's not too much for anybody. I don't know what the seriously mentally ill do without that support. I trust in the universe enough to know help would come from somewhere if sometime she couldn't help me. And I am very aware she has her own life. I want her to live it to the fullest. I want that for myself.

I was insensitive to their emotions: loss, grief, and confusion when all this first started. Once when I almost died from taking a medication that wasn't mine, she seemed so stoic, so indifferent to my life (at least to me), I concluded she didn't love me. She told me long afterward it would have been easier if I had died. I didn't understand the degree of grief, anger, and the burden of worry my mental illness caused. After all, I thought, it wasn't happening to them.

How wrong I was. Mental illness happens to the whole family. There isn't as much stigma attached as there once was. It used to be families were blamed for the illness. There was no support for them. There was no support for my family, except perhaps their faith in God and the members of their church who knew.

My psychiatrists and therapists never advised them about the support they could have received from many organizations or suggested they see a therapist to help them deal with the emotions they were feeling. I wish it had been different for them. I realize it is not my fault it was so hard for them. I was sick and confused by what was happening to me as they were. And I was so angry about most everything.

My anger served a purpose. It kept me alive. Staying alive was my revenge against my ex-husband. I was sure what happened in the divorce was evidence of how much he hated me and wanted me dead. I wanted revenge. Living was the worst "punishment" for him I could think of. How much easier it would have been for him if I had died -if he would not have to deal with me, as the mother of his children, the rest of his life.

We are civil with each other. I think he gives me credit for what I have accomplished even though I am not well. I'm sure, in his heart of hearts, he appreciates what I have done for my children. Against all odds I did complete my education. Educated mothers are the best predictors for educated children. They know I love them above all else. But it was very difficult for him not to think I had "done" something to the kids when I left them to his care. I'm also sure it was for their best good. I knew that at the time I did it the only way I knew how.

It is difficult for friends to understand or deal with mental illness too. I lost friends. Only one of my friends from my former life is still my friend. She too has been an enormous support. I owe them all a debt of gratitude I can never repay. The only thing I can do for them is do the best I can, not need too much and love them deeply.

Without support for themselves, my family and friend have done very well. They are strong people. So am I. We are equals in that way and that way only. I support them emotionally whenever I can. My illness has made me more compassionate for others than I ever could have been. I can empathize with all kinds of sorrow, anger, loss and challenges. For that, I am grateful for my illness.

I strongly urge family and close friends to become educated and seek support for themselves. My family have gone on with their own lives. They have learned, as I have learned, they can trust me to take care of myself. We all believe in divine intervention and faith. Sometimes that has been anything we had to hold onto. I know so many angels incarnate.