The Fear of Being Labeled "Mommy Dearest": Motherhood and mental illness

After a year long struggle to keep my children emotionally healthy after a disastrous divorce and managing an impossible financial situation, it finally became obvious to my family and others I was mentally ill. My family made numerous attempts to have me committed to a psychiatric facility. I understand that now, but at the time it was extremely stressful. A psychiatrist told me they couldn't do it anymore if I gave up custody of my children. I already knew it was impossible for me to support my children given that I had no skills and had been a stay at home mom since they were born.

So, I gave finally gave up legal custody to their father (something I had already done although not legally) I hoped it would be temporary until I could get on my feet. Still, I resisted medication or possible hospitalization because of fear I wouldn't get visitation rights if I was mentally ill. As it was, it actually happened in fact, though not part of the custody agreement. He moved away to another state and I only saw them once or twice a year and I talked to them only as I could afford to call.

I was living in a dumpy one room apartment and working as a waitress. He told me I could see the children, so I drove there as often as I could, sometimes unannounced because I was afraid he would think of something else for them to do other than see me. All I had to eat for quite awhile while I was living there was left over biscuits from the restaurant. And, I think the children were afraid of me because of my illness and wounded deeply because I had left them. Only my oldest daughter wanted to come to see me. I saved up for weeks to have the money to fix her something to eat.

Studies show mothers may place "priority on their children's needs and put their own needs last" (title link). They may not go to the hospital or take their medication out of fear of loss of custody or impaired ability to work. Often they have no services or community to help them. As with me, visits may be sporadic and there is a terrible struggle to stay in contact. I did it by sending paper back books, trinkets (like pony tail fasteners or things I had made myself and letters). When I was living in a chronic therapy unit because I had nowhere else to go, I learned to crochet. The product was an afghan I gave to my youngest daughter. She kept it, sleeping with it every night for many years.

She and I kept in touch by imagining each other when we looked at the moon at night, knowing we were both under the same moon - the same night sky. She wrote me regularly as none of the other children did. Those letters and cards kept me going and broke my heart over and over again. "The termination of parental rights may have a lifelong effect." One women described it "My heart is in chains. It never gets easy, not for any mother; that pain never completely goes away." One case manager concluded that even mothers who lost their children ten or twenty years ago, are still dealing with that loss and will likely do so for the rest of their lives.

Children can also be a powerful motive to seek help. I was convinced if I got better, it would be better for my children. I decided that losing me to mental illness would have the same effect on them as death. And so, I worked very hard to become as functional as possible, even completing my bachelor and master degrees. I wanted to be a good example of perseverance against all odds. Still many cannot put their whole heart even into therapy because they are so worried about their children. Trying to work two jobs and go to school while in therapy was very stressful for me. Mentally ill people often feel they have to "prove themselves." I felt I had to prove myself some things.

When children act out in their teens, women believe it is their fault rather than a normal teenage behavior. I had this experience as well. When my oldest son made very bad choices I blamed myself for the divorce, for the way I raised him (he stayed with me when the rest of the children left. Later, my oldest daughter came to live with us. By then, my son had become destructive to himself and to our little family. I told him if he couldn't follow the rules, he would have to live somewhere else. I was hoping he would go live with his father where he would experience a stronger voice than mine. But, he chose to live with friends. In the end, he made a good choice that time. The household had a very strong no nonsense father figure.

In fact,although abuse is expected by others of mentally ill mothers, women find it hard to discipline their children. The stigma attahced is hard for both mothers and their children to manage. I believe the findings show mentally ill women have a difficult time disciplining their children. It not the case for me, only because by the time I got custody of my two oldest children, I had learned something of survival and what it takes to do that. I was determined my children know that too. I was not authoritarian, however, there were rules and expectations. Significantly, most women with mental illness participate actively in raising at least one of their children.

There is often no real support from families and state resources are rare. I know when I was hospitalized there were women there whose children had been placed in foster care. Not knowing where their children were or how they were doing contributed to the illness. I suggested something be done about that in my evaluation of the care I had received at that hospital. At least I knew where my children were and with whom. At the time, and always after, I didn't know what they were doing, except for what they told me. I didn't know when parent-teacher conferences were, nor did I dare to ask. I was petrified of their father. The probllems women face are unique to them. Gender based research is still in its infancy.