A Heavy Burden This: Grief and bipolar disorder

Loss is difficult for anyone. The loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, many other losses can cause depression. I have endured many, many losses. One of the greatest loss of all, worse than the death of both my parents and other loved ones have been easier to bear than the death of my former and future self. My own death needs to be mourned - the death of my past and future self.

The onset of bipolar is difficult. Real grief may accompany it. I've suffered so many losses, I can't cry anymore. The last time I did cry was four years ago when I thought I had lost my relationship with one of my daughters. She was tired of being my main, almost only support. Tired of hearing about my upsets and depression. She truly couldn't take it anymore and she was very angry about it.

Fifteen years ago a psychiatrist told me she hoped one day I could cry for myself. I can tear up, get close to it, but I can't break down and cry. Intellectually, I know a good cry is good for you. It releases chemicals in your brain as endorphins are released when there is strenuous physical activity. Runners often experience this phenomenon. Just when they reach what seems like the limits of physical endurance, something kicks in. The something is endorphins - a physical rush. When adrenalin is released, people experience increased strength, even mental clarity. Laughter does the same thing. Fortunately I laugh a lot.

As with these chemicals, crying releases grief and sorrow. There is no crying left in me. There are psychological reasons for this. As a child I was taught not to cry. My parents always said, "Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about." So I learned to control it, the control got stronger. As an adult, I tell myself crying won't do any good; just do something about it. The doing something about it helps. But, unrelieved grief, even if you are not consciously aware of it, takes it's toll.

I barely realized I have grief issues. I didn't cry when my parents died. I didn't cry after I gave my children up, or after I was unbearably depressed about the need to. I didn't cry when I was exhausted, stressed way beyond what should be physical and mental endurance. I didn't cry when I lost my mind. I didn't cry about most anything that truly grieved me.

Some therapists have explained that people, after enduring many losses are afraid if they start crying, it will never end. I have few things I can control and so what is possible to control I do.

My therapist and I are going to work on that now. I envy someone who weeps. Everyone has had something to cry about: not just, I broke a finger nail; not just I flunked my test; not just I didn't get what I wanted. Though crying about those things isn't normal, being unable to cry at all about deep and painful losses is far from normal.

I hope that long ago psychiatrist gets her wish. I hope I do. My current therapist suggested watching a sad movie. I know that will work. Twenty-four years ago, I cried because on Little House and the Prairie, Laura's horse died. And I can cry for joy sometimes.

I cried long and hard when my boyfriend bought a car for me. I couldn't believe someone would be so kind and generous. Many people have done many kind things for me since, and I haven't shed a tear.

If you are crying sometimes, be grateful. It is a gift. If you are crying over nothing, figure out why. It can be a sign of serious depression. Crying without cause isn't healthy either. Those who can read sad stories or watch sad movies are lucky. I wish everyone a good cry every now and then.