Recovering From A Manic Depressive Episode

I have spent much of the day writing - good therapy for me,and as I see how many people have visited my profile, I hope I have helped someone, somewhere. It is eight o'clock and I am just making dinner. Of the five things left on my to do list I have only managed to do two. I am still a bit tired after all the nights without sleep. I have had sleep for two nights, but it will take longer to feel fully rested.

I turn on the tiny lamp that lights the kitchen. I hate bright lights from the over head. There is a dinner already made from the freezer against such a day - when I have little energy or desire to cook. I'm only eating because the Geodon is only half as effective if not taken with a meal.

I have been reading Snowflower and The Secret Fan. I like novels about Chinese women because I too was raised to be a wife and mother. I tried to please both my husbands. It proved impossible. I have been sitting on the fire escape to read. Sunshine is good for me. I'm nurturing myself. I have tried to teach my daughters to do the same thing. Busy with children, work, and the household work leaves little time for themselves. A long tub, a walk, a little bit of reading or shopping on the Internet is good for them as my writing is for me.

I used to get angry with myself for not being able to do more, but I don't anymore. Guilt and shame are not good for anybody unless it's deserved. I can't help this. And being mentally ill requires that I take good care of myself health and otherwise.
It's times like this I am most grateful to live alone with no one else to take care of. I'll never be in any shape to be in a relationship and I know that now. Who would have the understanding or the patience to deal with this. Besides, there's a snowball's chance in hell I'd ever meet anyone with anything in common with my interests. I have learned commonality is vital to any relationship.

There was once a time I had to recover in a chronic care facility, a group home. It wasn't easy for me there. Cooking and cleaning were hard for me. I was lonely and afraid. I didn't bond with anyone except a man who had abused his children. He taught me how to crochet (a skill I forgot once it was unecessary to relieve that much boredom). They let me use the computer just once to write a letter to a journal that wanted to publish two of my poems. I hadn't submitted them. Someone in the Sociology Department who had been to my poetry reading at the university took them to New York for a conference of Women in Social work. I don't submit my poetry for publication. There just isn't enough time or energy for that. Besides, you get paid in copies which does you no good at the grocery store. I never wanted to be famous and who reads poetry anyway?

I'm letting my dinner cool off a bit, so I have time to reflect on today. I am so much better than I was two days ago. It's like day and night - hard to believe I could have been at rock bottom, just trying to hang on. Even though I know, it happens, I'm sometimes surprised at the range of mood swings I am capable of.

This is just another day in the life. But, it's a better day, and I have enjoyed myself. When I was younger, I used to wonder what "real living' meant. Now I know.