A Room of One's Own: The theraputic value of solitude

I am grateful today, even in my pain and depression, for the luxury of living alone. I used to depend on men for my economic survival. In the long run, that was the most they had to offer me (with one notable exception and he had no money). It wasn't their fault. It wasn't mine. I loved them anyway . A woman would be hard for me to live with. I just barely learned to enjoy more than one of them at a time. I don't have the time or energy for either one. Earl, my cat and I, are the perfect couple. I need space and time for two things.

The first is to heal. Being bipolar means constant healing from the viscisitudes of being ill. During depression, I need uninterrupted rest. At all times, I need uninterrupted time to write and accomplish whatever else I can. During manic times, I need to do things with a vengence. Very few things can stop me from whatever I want to do (however sporadic it might be).

I will never be a "writer." But the mental excercise and therapy of the process are essential to my well being. As Virginia Wolf said, to do that one needs "A Room of One's Own," a place to just be. My family and friends (I only have time for one or two) are the only things worth interrupting either process. I do believe happiness lies not in a multitude of friends, but a few well chosen. I've never been out to win a popularity contest.

I write on and on to relieve my symptoms some, to improve focus, discipline and skill. I wish I had a community of writers so I could improve my writing skills. Without feed back it's impossible to know completely where you've gone wrong. I can't sustain the writing process long enough to complete a significant project. I don't have the imagination to concieve of one anyway. I've never been one for writing fiction because the truth is more interesting to me.

Gratitude helps alieviate the pain and depression to a degree. I know there's nothing to be done about it. Medication can only do so much for me. I can only hope for medical advances and keep writing in my own room.