You Can Be Cured of This Much: PTSD complicated by bipolar disorder

The Novel

All winter you went to bed drugging yourself on War and
Peace.

Prince Andrei's cold eyes taking in the sky from the battlefield
were your eyes, you went walking wrapped in his wound
like a padded coat against the wind from two rivers
You went walking in the streets as if you were ordinary
as if you hadn't been pulling with your raw mittened hand
blown like an old stocking from a wire
on the wind between two rivers.

All winter you asked nothing . . .

Time's Power


Adrienne Rich - 1986


Bipolar disorder is challenge enough, however it can be complicated by other disorders. The one I know about; the one I have is post traumatic stress disorder. It has changed over the years. At first, it was about "my hitch hiking adventure" - the times I was beaten, the attempted rapes. It made it very difficult to be around men, even those I once trusted very much. Those memories, as though I was living through it again, were replaced with repeated nightmares about my ex-husband. Most recently, the episodes have been about losing my mind and the fear of hospitalization.

Veterans of war (recently, the well published account of the large number of returned veterans of the war in Iraq, also less discussed, the Viet Nam war) experience PTSD. It can be debilitating and is a major cause of suicide amongst these veterans.

Some experience flashbacks, the strong emotions associated with these events occur again as though the event was taking place right now - with all the terror and fear associated with the original experience. Sometimes it is dreadful nightmares. It can cause hyper-vigilance - the attempt to over protect yourself from anything associated with the cause of the PTSD. That is not altogether a bad thing.

Trying not to think about the original experience helps too. Talking about it with a therapist helps as well. I remind myself "I am here; this is now; I am safe." That helps the outbreak shorter and improves recovery from each episode.

I have been symptom free from flashbacks for about nine months now. I have the sense that these things will not return. The nightmares may take longer. Therapy is absolutely necessary for recovery. It is not possible to just "get over it." And talking to friends and family is often very difficult to do.

Time, distance from the events is healing as well. Although some never recover. I trust in time's power and I know from experience it is possible to heal.